San Andreas Newspaper of the year
Los Santos Meteor
Friday, February 23, 2024
A Bombshell of a Welcome
By Oleander Addams
As a recent arrival to Los Santos, I was enjoying an incredibly informative & rather enjoyable tour of the sights with my fellow journalist Jay Walker on the afternoon of June 1st. However, the levity of the afternoon was disturbed as I received a call from the news line reporting suspicious activity at the parking deck near Central Hospital, the caller describing a masked individual in a black jumper, tan cargo pants & a tan mask moving about the garage in a peculiar manner. As we were only a block away, we quickly rushed to the area. Upon arrival, we heard a very loud explosion. We then saw a black sedan being driven by a tan masked individual leaving the area. As we carefully explored the parking garage we came upon a burned out van on the upper level.
Not long after our arrival, Police Commissioner Hunter arrived on scene, having been alerted, we can only assume, by the same individual who contacted this reporter. As he examined the scene, it appeared as though he found no traces of gasoline, leading him to believe the explosion to have been caused by a bomb as opposed to other incindiary methods.
But why? There were no victims on scene, no other vehicles, no traces of any reasoning behind this. Was this a warning to someone? A practice for more sinister things to come? Was this crime perpetrated by the same individual(s) who placed a bomb at Patterson’s Cab Co on the evening prior?
No matter the questions, citizens can be rest assured that the free press will continue to look for answers. On that you may rely.
Ida Cruck was sentenced to 9 months for store robbery.
Stew Piedman was sentenced to 369 months for Grand Theft Auto.
Phil McHans was sentenced to 120 months for Bank Robbery.
Don Notte was sentenced to 3 months for Assault.
Sarah Bei was sentenced to 10 months for DUI.
Hairy Wildman was sentenced to 10 months for indecent exposure.
IN THE NEWS
Ordeal for Approval
Johnny California (pictured lying in the dirt outside of the Yellowjack bar for reasons unknown) is one of the most well-known figures in the state of San Andreas and possibly beyond.
With a reported 2.2 million Twitter followers and 1 million TikTok followers (verification pending), “JC” is much in demand both on social media and on the streets for his personal “seal of approval” granted to local businesses which he deems worthy of endorsing to his fans and followers.
However, this accolade comes at a cost. Literally. Following the exchange of contact information, Mr. California will approach businesses with the opportunity of receiving his seal of approval in return for a cash sum – turning this seemingly harmless social media trend into a quasi-business contact. However, where such business is usually conducted behind closed doors, recent negotiations have spilled out on to the streets and according to multiple eyewitnesses… turned aggressive.
It is understood that the UwU Cat Café is the latest business to receive JC’s Seal of Approval and, according to reports, it is believed that it was acquired for a lower price than the previous holder of the stamp – the local branch of Burger Shot. Multiple sources have confirmed a public altercation between Mr. California and well-known patty-flipper Sid Hunter.
Reaching out for comment, Mr. California tells me that Mr. Hunter “threatened to fight” him in the parking lot of the cat café and knocked over his motorcycle with his car. Mr. California is keen to insist that Mr. Hunter did not physically strike him during the altercation, though other witnesses claim that Mr. California himself was the aggressor during the meeting.
Local entrepreneur Johnny Five tells JWN that Mr. California instigated the situation by repeatedly shoulder barging Mr. Hunter which led to the scene in the parking lot under the terms of a “gentleman’s fist fight.” It is at this point that Mr. California allegedly produced a baseball bat. A close associate of Mr. Five stated it was “the second biggest bat that [she] had ever seen” – and this reporter understands Mr. Five possesses the prevailing wooden club in the city.
A further source who wishes to remain anonymous tells me how Mr. California took offence to Mr. Hunter barring him from the branch of Burger Shot to which his seal of approval was previously awarded. Mr. California threatened the business owner – red-eyed and teary from seemingly being scammed – to “keep” the seal of approval up in the branch otherwise he would “smash [his] face in.”
In other news, JWN is very proud to announce that we have received Johnny California’s Seal of Approval.
The Los Santos Police Department face a test this weekend as citizens look to make a united stand against gangland aggression.
The Police Department have made a public appeal for city dwellers to disregard the proposed purple protest sponsored by JWN, believing it to be an act of intentional provocation against the Ballas street gang. Yet in recent days, no provocation has been required for citizens and businesses to be intimated and attacked by the bullies and thugs who lay claim to the colour purple.
With the deterrents of the judicial system failing, Los Santos residents have been given an opportunity to make their feelings known to gangs and law enforcement alike that their freedoms and rights will be not stifled by the inability to contain a few reprehensible individuals. Even this reporter was shot at right next to Mission Row Police Department simply for the colour of his car.
With fair warning and public support (& Johnny California’s Seal of Approval), we at JWN have the utmost faith in the LSPD to ensure that citizens will be able to carry out their errands this weekend without incident. Despite their rebuke that they are not a “for hire” security service, they nevertheless serve you, dear reader. It’s what you pay them for. Whether you choose to wear purple this weekend or not, rest assured that your city’s finest will be working tirelessly to ensure that no harm comes to you, your business or your property.
Anything less would be an institutional failure.
The populous Route 1 was stricken by traffic chaos tonight due to the negligent actions of an incompetent trucker.
In recent weeks there has been a string of incidents at busy intersections, freeway junctions and business parks as a result of members of the Los Santos Trucker’s Union inadvertently ejecting or intentionally abandoning their cargo on the job.
This reporter was alerted to the most recent incident following multiple reports of an “overly-patriotic” woman repeatedly ramming her collapsed cargo down the freeway, perhaps either in an attempt to get it to its destination by an alternative means or to simply enact revenge on her inanimate adversary following an unexpected manoeuvre on its behalf.
Locals have previously reported massive damage to personal property both on and off the road at the hands of incapable truck drivers attempting to reverse park at locations across the state. Pillbox Hospital has also reported a massive uptick in local patients in recent weeks following the establishment of the trucker’s union.
On behalf of all of us here at JWN, please be safe out there on the roads in these uncertain times.
Service your motor "if you don't leave with polished chrome we didn't do our job."
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