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A Bombshell of a Welcome

By Oleander Addams

As a recent arrival to Los Santos, I was enjoying an incredibly informative & rather enjoyable tour of the sights with my fellow journalist Jay Walker on the afternoon of June 1st. However, the levity of the afternoon was disturbed as I received a call from the news line reporting suspicious activity at the parking deck near Central Hospital, the caller describing a masked individual in a black jumper, tan cargo pants & a tan mask moving about the garage in a peculiar manner. As we were only a block away, we quickly rushed to the area. Upon arrival, we heard a very loud explosion. We then saw a black sedan being driven by a tan masked individual leaving the area. As we carefully explored the parking garage we came upon a burned out van on the upper level.

Not long after our arrival, Police Commissioner Hunter arrived on scene, having been alerted, we can only assume, by the same individual who contacted this reporter. As he examined the scene, it appeared as though he found no traces of gasoline, leading him to believe the explosion to have been caused by a bomb as opposed to other incindiary methods.

But why? There were no victims on scene, no other vehicles, no traces of any reasoning behind this. Was this a warning to someone? A practice for more sinister things to come? Was this crime perpetrated by the same individual(s) who placed a bomb at Patterson’s Cab Co on the evening prior? 

No matter the questions, citizens can be rest assured that the free press will continue to look for answers. On that you may rely.

Reaching out for comment, Mr. California tells me that Mr. Hunter “threatened to fight” him in the parking lot of the cat café and knocked over his motorcycle with his car. Mr. California is keen to insist that Mr. Hunter did not physically strike him during the altercation, though other witnesses claim that Mr. California himself was the aggressor during the meeting.

Local entrepreneur Johnny Five tells JWN that Mr. California instigated the situation by repeatedly shoulder barging Mr. Hunter which led to the scene in the parking lot under the terms of a “gentleman’s fist fight.” It is at this point that Mr. California allegedly produced a baseball bat. A close associate of Mr. Five stated it was “the second biggest bat that [she] had ever seen” – and this reporter understands Mr. Five possesses the prevailing wooden club in the city.

A further source who wishes to remain anonymous tells me how Mr. California took offence to Mr. Hunter barring him from the branch of Burger Shot to which his seal of approval was previously awarded. Mr. California threatened the business owner – red-eyed and teary from seemingly being scammed – to “keep” the seal of approval up in the branch otherwise he would “smash [his] face in.”

In other news, JWN is very proud to announce that we have received Johnny California’s Seal of Approval.

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Ordeal for Approval

By JWN.

Johnny California (pictured lying in the dirt outside of the Yellowjack bar for reasons unknown) is one of the most well-known figures in the state of San Andreas and possibly beyond.

With a reported 2.2 million Twitter followers and 1 million TikTok followers (verification pending), “JC” is much in demand both on social media and on the streets for his personal “seal of approval” granted to local businesses which he deems worthy of endorsing to his fans and followers.

However, this accolade comes at a cost. Literally. Following the exchange of contact information, Mr. California will approach businesses with the opportunity of receiving his seal of approval in return for a cash sum – turning this seemingly harmless social media trend into a quasi-business contact. However, where such business is usually conducted behind closed doors, recent negotiations have spilled out on to the streets and according to multiple eyewitnesses… turned aggressive.

It is understood that the UwU Cat Café is the latest business to receive JC’s Seal of Approval and, according to reports, it is believed that it was acquired for a lower price than the previous holder of the stamp – the local branch of Burger Shot. Multiple sources have confirmed a public altercation between Mr. California and well-known patty-flipper Sid Hunter.

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Purple Hearts

By JWN.

The Los Santos Police Department face a test this weekend as citizens look to make a united stand against gangland aggression.

The Police Department have made a public appeal for city dwellers to disregard the proposed purple protest sponsored by JWN, believing it to be an act of intentional provocation against the Ballas street gang. Yet in recent days, no provocation has been required for citizens and businesses to be intimated and attacked by the bullies and thugs who lay claim to the colour purple.

With the deterrents of the judicial system failing, Los Santos residents have been given an opportunity to make their feelings known to gangs and law enforcement alike that their freedoms and rights will be not stifled by the inability to contain a few reprehensible individuals. Even this reporter was shot at right next to Mission Row Police Department simply for the colour of his car.

With fair warning and public support (& Johnny California’s Seal of Approval), we at JWN have the utmost faith in the LSPD to ensure that citizens will be able to carry out their errands this weekend without incident. Despite their rebuke that they are not a “for hire” security service, they nevertheless serve you, dear reader. It’s what you pay them for. Whether you choose to wear purple this weekend or not, rest assured that your city’s finest will be working tirelessly to ensure that no harm comes to you, your business or your property.

Anything less would be an institutional failure.

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Trucker Tribulation

By JWN.

The populous Route 1 was stricken by traffic chaos tonight due to the negligent actions of an incompetent trucker.

In recent weeks there has been a string of incidents at busy intersections, freeway junctions and business parks as a result of members of the Los Santos Trucker’s Union inadvertently ejecting or intentionally abandoning their cargo on the job.

This reporter was alerted to the most recent incident following multiple reports of an “overly-patriotic” woman repeatedly ramming her collapsed cargo down the freeway, perhaps either in an attempt to get it to its destination by an alternative means or to simply enact revenge on her inanimate adversary following an unexpected manoeuvre on its behalf.

Locals have previously reported massive damage to personal property both on and off the road at the hands of incapable truck drivers attempting to reverse park at locations across the state. Pillbox Hospital has also reported a massive uptick in local patients in recent weeks following the establishment of the trucker’s union.

On behalf of all of us here at JWN, please be safe out there on the roads in these uncertain times.

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A Royal Mess

By JWN.

This reporter has been made aware of a recent escalation between two known organisations within the city: The Lost M.C. and The Royals.

It is understood that “The Royals” laid siege to The Lost’s compound opposite the Downtown Cab Company taxi depot several days ago. My source insisted that I should not claim that members of The Lost were left “cowering and fearing” whilst barricaded inside their clubhouse, but I have been unable to independently verify that part of the story. Whilst it is known that there is longstanding bad blood between these two groups, doubt has been cast on the nature of their disagreements.

Continues On Page 43.

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Police investigate fishy dealings at Pearl’s Seafood Restaurant

By A. Finley.

Del Perro Pier, Los Santos. NOOSE officers cordoned off the end of the Del Perro Pier earlier today during a raid on the Pearl’s Fish Restaurant.

Officers at the scene report that despite an ongoing investigation they’re looking for an employee of the restaurant who was carrying out shady back-door dealings, purchasing copious amounts of illegally fished sea animals.

The individual at large has not been caught and a warrant is out for their arrest. Some light research from this author on the Dark Web suggests that the individual has probably set up shop elsewhere.

Stay vigilant citizens of Los Santos, and be wary of any fishy looking individuals looking to buy your fish.

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Chaos at the Cafe

By Anon.

Little Seoul, Los Santos. Chaos gripped UwU Cafe last night when an illegally weaponized vehicle opened fire on the cafe front. Reports that no cats nor clients were injured in the unwarranted attack.

The two perpetrators were caught when they parked up their vehicles and came inside to make an order of an American Kitty Pizza and two ‘American’ Neko Doughnuts.

Police arrived on scene and after a quick sweep of the cafe brought the two fiends to justice.

It is at this time unknown as to why they opened fire on the cafe, though it is assumed it has something to do with their second amendment rights or something.

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YOUR RIGHTS ARE UNDER ATTACK

OPINION PIECE // By Gen Eric (Proper Gander News).

Los Santos City. How would you feel if you were brutally attacked by someone you had never met before? Well that’s exactly what’s happening, but at a grander, much scarier level. Government officials are infringing on YOUR rights as citizens of the United States of America to bare arms. 

You’d be forgiven if you didn’t believe it to be the case, but make no mistake, the government and them damned liberals are trying to take your guns away and prevent your kids from ever being able to purchase one to protect themselves.

“Now it’s a protest, not like any of them liberal protests, like a real one. With violence.” he explains. “The obstruction to my second amendment rights” he goes on to say. According to Texas, he has been denied his right as an American citizen, the ability to purchase a firearm for the purpose of self defence. “You just don’t know what’s out there. You need to be able to protect yourself. It’s what this country was founded on” he probably would have said had the interview continued.

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